| with the traffic here someone should have some good jokes |
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LottomagicZ4941
Senior Member
Cash: $ 1.66
Posts: 2633
Joined: 02 Dec 2004
Location: Earth
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| with the traffic here someone should have some good jokes |
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"In total there are 411 users online :: 26 Registered, 2 Hidden and 383 Guests
Registered Users: Akisini, Andrew, arie1985, Bid-Palace, BlankenshipFP, CAP, Darryl, darwish, domskynetlabs, Doro Ajani, edpudol, Euler, extremist, iamsmelly, Jiggles94, Jones02, kristin9, LottomagicZ4941, PIPS-PureInvestor, PoKo, promonde, shortd81, StarshipCC, stelee, Verano, xboxundone
Most users ever online was 1151 on Wed Feb 11, 2004 4:08 pm
This data is based on users active over the past day "
Which insect is the worst at playing foot ball?
The fumbell bee.
Why didn't Noah go fishing?
He only had two worms.
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Thu Dec 02, 2004 3:11 pm |
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Andrew
Admin
Cash: $ 467.10
Posts: 1717
Joined: 02 Nov 2003
Location: Texas
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UnXpected, where are you?
Here's one for ya'...
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 50-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...
..Now give me back my sheepdog."
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Thu Dec 02, 2004 4:29 pm |
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xboxundone
Senior Member
Cash: $ 67.83
Posts: 795
Joined: 19 Sep 2004
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quote:
Originally posted by Andrew
UnXpected, where are you?
Here's one for ya'...
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 50-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...
..Now give me back my sheepdog."
I like that one it is pretty funny i will post some jokes when i get a chance.
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Thu Dec 02, 2004 4:45 pm |
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Oscarr
New Member
Cash: $ 0.61
Posts: 8
Joined: 30 Apr 2005
Location: Auckland New Zealand
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There were a number of monthly meetings that did not take place this month:
The altziemer's club didn't have one because everyone forgot to come.
The castration society didn't have theirs because the chairman didn't have the balls to call one this month.
The Procrastinator's society didn't have theirs because it was put off until next month.
The Liar's Club didn't have theirs because nobody believed the chairperson about the date of the meeting.
The Embezzlers Club had to cancel their meeting because of the Treasurer's unexpected trip to Brazil.
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Mon May 02, 2005 10:11 am |
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Kolya
Member
Cash: $ 4.70
Posts: 24
Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: North Carolina
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One fall s off of his stool and says, "I think I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Ba dum Chhhh..... 
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Mon May 09, 2005 1:46 pm |
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LottomagicZ4941
Senior Member
Cash: $ 1.66
Posts: 2633
Joined: 02 Dec 2004
Location: Earth
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The Perfect Husband
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club...
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"...
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club.?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this
beautiful leather coat...It's only $1,000... Is it OK if I buy it...?"
MAN: "Sure. Go ahead if you like it that much"...
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models ... I saw one I really liked"...
MAN: "How much...?"
WOMAN: "£60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options"
WOMAN: "Great..! Oh, and one more thing... the house we wanted last year is back on the market... They're asking £950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later... I love you...!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too"
The man hangs up... The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment... Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is...?"
found on http://com4.runboard.com/bvickih.fdailylaughs.t355
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Sat May 14, 2005 9:01 am |
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mattjd
Member
Cash: $ 3.40
Posts: 16
Joined: 15 May 2005
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is
watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself
a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light and began
searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light
around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot
confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses,"
replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would
name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller, Jesus !
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Sun May 15, 2005 12:47 am |
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Goozik
Full Member
Cash: $ 2.00
Posts: 89
Joined: 11 Aug 2005
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Q: Differance between a hooker and a crack dealer?
A: Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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Thu Aug 11, 2005 8:17 pm |
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Niall
Member
Cash: $ 3.55
Posts: 20
Joined: 07 Aug 2005
Location: New Zealand
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Hey All,
Man's Best Friend
Two guys are looking a dog lick its balls and one says “Man, I wish I could do that.”
The other guy says,
“Really? I think I’d just pet him first.”
Ba Dum Chaa
Cheers,
Niall
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Sun Aug 14, 2005 2:04 am |
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LottomagicZ4941
Senior Member
Cash: $ 1.66
Posts: 2633
Joined: 02 Dec 2004
Location: Earth
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Just found a money joke on the Deep Purple forum. I'm so looking forward to Rapture of the Deep. Anyway
Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend
to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their
team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
from
http://com3.runboard.com/bdeeppurplefanforum.fnonpurple.t42|offset=360
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Sun Sep 25, 2005 2:05 pm |
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LottomagicZ4941
Senior Member
Cash: $ 1.66
Posts: 2633
Joined: 02 Dec 2004
Location: Earth
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The funniest thing I found online today
Don't know how some can just post adverts.
Anyway found this on
http://www.phpbber.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=170&mforum=madness
posted by wasatch9
Definitions---Not according to Webster
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Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
_________________
Great Hosting, Web Site Design, SEO And Ad Campaigns! We Also Accept E-Gold! PayPal and StormPay!"http://www.wasatchnetwork.com"
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Fri Jan 20, 2006 6:10 pm |
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LottomagicZ4941
Senior Member
Cash: $ 1.66
Posts: 2633
Joined: 02 Dec 2004
Location: Earth
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This one has a money one in it:)
Rules of Life as found on
http://internet-ez.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1389
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just
pretty much leave me the [edited] alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're
going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like
everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a
mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile
away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield..
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no
foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light
side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up..
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night
_________________
Gary Fitzgerald
Encino Ca.
818-902-3711
mrfitznet@yahoo.com
I"ve been Rich and I've been Poor
"Rich is Better"
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Fri Jan 20, 2006 6:27 pm |
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