Flndwn
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| Needing Direction |
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I received a very unpleasant surprise from my wife's credit report. I discovered that she had 6 times more debt than what she had been telling me on her own credit cards. I almost had a stroke looking at this report! Needless to say I am very angry with my wife and am feeling quite depressed.  Since I'm still upset, it is difficult for me to think straight. Can someone please give me some direction or advice?
My wife had been working part time (please don't ask me why). She has now said she will be working full time to pay off the debt. With her working full time, we may be able to get a home equity loan. If we get this kind of loan, I would like it strictly to be in her name, since it is her debt and responsibility. Can I have this loan solely in her name, even though our home is owned by us jointly? What happens if we take out this home equity loan and then get divorced? Does her debt also become mine?
I do realize with a home equity loan we can lose our house, if we get behind in payments. This is another factor I need to take into consideration.
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Thu Oct 27, 2005 2:31 am |
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MattL
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| Re: Needing Direction |
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quote:
Originally posted by Flndwn
I received a very unpleasant surprise from my wife's credit report. I discovered that she had 6 times more debt than what she had been telling me on her own credit cards. I almost had a stroke looking at this report! Needless to say I am very angry with my wife and am feeling quite depressed. Since I'm still upset, it is difficult for me to think straight. Can someone please give me some direction or advice?
My wife had been working part time (please don't ask me why). She has now said she will be working full time to pay off the debt. With her working full time, we may be able to get a home equity loan. If we get this kind of loan, I would like it strictly to be in her name, since it is her debt and responsibility. Can I have this loan solely in her name, even though our home is owned by us jointly? What happens if we take out this home equity loan and then get divorced? Does her debt also become mine?
I do realize with a home equity loan we can lose our house, if we get behind in payments. This is another factor I need to take into consideration.
It doesn't matter if it only in her name, as her husband, you can still be held responsible for the loan if she defaults.
The only possible way to protect yourself in case of divorce would be a post nuptial agreement, which you probably wouldn't go over well. The laws are different everywhere so that may or may not work if she did agree to it. You should contact a family law attorney.
$$$ Debt Elimination
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Thu Oct 27, 2005 2:49 am |
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Christian_male
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Sounds like you are in a tough situation. Perhaps some counseling is needed for you and your wife as honesty appears to be an issue in your marriage. I would suggest that you and your wife read Mary Hunt's Debt Proofing Your Marriage. This book starts out with the author explaining how she got her marriage into the exact same situation your marriage is in today and how she and her husband got out of it.
Freedom without bounderies is not freedom at all, it is chaos.
[url]breakdebtsbonds.blogspot.com[/url]
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Thu Oct 27, 2005 1:15 pm |
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Rolo
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| Re: Needing Direction |
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quote:
Originally posted by Flndwn
I received a very unpleasant surprise from my wife's credit report. I discovered that she had 6 times more debt than what she had been telling me on her own credit cards.
Have you closed the accounts/taken the cards?
Have you found out why she lied?
quote:
Originally posted by Flndwn
Needless to say I am very angry with my wife and am feeling quite depressed.
Angry...justifiable. Remind her of that; how would she feel if she discovered you lied to her? Allllrighty then....get to work.
Depressed...why? Choo got a prollem, mang, so joo need to fix it. Personally, I've found accomplishment cures depression.
Take control of the situation. Make a plan to fix it and then do it. Also, don't ask permission. I hate it when men as permission...it's how couples end up in these situations. Also, be mindful that you better have your stuff straight.
The trust in your marriage is broken and you both need to take steps to repair it.
quote:
Originally posted by Flndwn
My wife had been working part time (please don't ask me why).
Don't ask you why? what? You mean you have no idea why your wife is doing something? Shame on you; you need to be more involved in your relationship and mindful of what is going on. Otherwise, how can she respect you and your judgement?
Frankly, based on what I see here, is that you simply aren't being a man. You sound like a wuss. Know what goes on in your household and stay on top of things...otherwise...you have two people fending for themselves independently...and what, I ask, is the purpose of the relationship then?
quote:
Originally posted by Flndwn
. Can I have this loan solely in her name, even though our home is owned by us jointly?
Nope. She can't put up your collateral without your consent. What are you worried about, she already owns half of your house anyway, what difference will a HELOC make?
quote:
Originally posted by Flndwn
What happens if we take out this home equity loan and then get divorced? Does her debt also become mine?
You will be fiscally raped.
Question: Why the hell did you enter in such an enterprise BEFORE asking these questions? (not just Flndwn here...everyone in that situation...same question)
quote:
Originally posted by MattL
It doesn't matter if it only in her name, as her husband, you can still be held responsible for the loan if she defaults.
I don't agree...the husband never entered (if everything was only in her name) into a financial agreement; he signed nothing.
On the flip side, with joint accounts...a divorce decree means squat...both parties are responsible for what they signed for, regardless of what a judge may order.
quote:
Originally posted by MattL
The only possible way to protect yourself in case of divorce would be a post nuptial agreement, which you probably wouldn't go over well.
I totally agree. However, ingorance is the cause of the not going over too well part. If both parties have trust in each other, than a pre/post-nuptial is a great idea recognised for it's value of protecting that trust and protecting respective parties if that trust is ultimately violated.
Final piece of advice...if you listen to nothing else in this thread, listen to this: TAKE. EMOTION. OUT OF IT. Never let emotions steer you in making decisions, or prevent you from making decisions.
Keep us posted!
"Expect me when you see me."
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Thu Oct 27, 2005 11:54 pm |
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Euler
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I can't believe you people are talking about divorce. Psh.
I know there's an honesty thing here. It just feels bad to have your wife hide stuff from you - stuff like this anyway. But that's called self-pity. And it won't help you beat your problem. And it'll only drive you apart. I know this because I've been here before. My wife did the same exact thing to me four years ago.
It hasn't happened again - know why? I decided to trust her absolutely and I didn't blow up or get angry at all really. I just took it on as another challenge because that's my job in this family. To provide abundance. This is just... heheh "providing abundance in arears". 
See, my wife had been hiding the truth from me out of her shame. She felt awful, the debt wouldn't shrink - she couldn't eat it alone. We drifted apart inside because there was this deceit going on. And I was just oblivious.
When I learned everything, I turned the problem on its ear and used it as an opportunity to show my wife that I Am Always On Her Side. Look you can't BUY opportunities like that. Don't miss them because they build loyalty that will outlast anything. I treated the situation with the same efficiency and positive attitude that you would use to fix a child's skinned knee.
Fact is, financial gurus make mistakes. I know I make 'em. LOL And if my wife made one she considered so heinous that she would try to ignore it to death, well all I can say is I understand. And I can help.
With a great attitude like that, she straightens up and gets right to work on it with me. Money became a MUCH LESS STRESSFUL topic between my wife and I that day.
So remove the drama. Don't make it about "honesty" or "you" or any of that shi+. Make this about solving the problem ONLY. It will inspire your wife and the two of you will do great things.
Besta luck to ya.
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Thu Oct 27, 2005 11:55 pm |
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Euler
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D'oH, Rolo, what's with the wuss shi+? You got the right message when you said TAKE EMOTION OUT OF IT. But before that, you're just making all these idiot assumptions about the guy. Based on NO factual info - where are you getting your facts? You reading tarot cards? LOL
Man you usually know WTF you're talking about, but this is just stupid. Sounds like you're projecting your OWN issues on the guy.
Let's get back to helping him know that financial problems are like any other. Financial problems melt under the sustained focus of human intent and followup.
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Fri Oct 28, 2005 12:08 am |
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Flndwn
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Thanks for all of the thoughts and replies I have received so far.
Let me just say, I still have much more to find out from my wife. She wouldn't answer my questions last Sunday when we had our argument. I still intend to find out where the money went. Since I don't see it here, I suspect it went to her relatives overseas or an overseas investment. During the week, we don't have much time to talk, because of our work schedules. (I work in the day while she works at night) I hope to have an informative talk with her this weekend.
Perhaps I should have paid more attention to mail addressed to her, but I never suspected her of hiding anything. Unfortunately I just took her word for it on her credit card balances. Anyways, it will be much different from now on!
No, I don't want to get a divorce; But if she doesn't start opening up and being truthful with me, that is something we might have to consider. I realize people make financial mistakes, but I can't help her with this unless she tells me what exactly is going on.
I'll keep you up to date.
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Fri Oct 28, 2005 3:38 am |
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Rolo
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quote:
Originally posted by Euler
D'oH, Rolo, what's with the wuss shi+?
I don't understand the question...what else would you call a man who lets his wife walk all over him?
quote:
Originally posted by Euler
But before that, you're just making all these idiot assumptions about the guy.
YOU'RE the one making the assumptions here. I think it is obvious and I have seen this a hundred times before and there are plenty of facts to go by here.
quote:
Originally posted by Euler
Sounds like you're projecting your OWN issues on the guy.
heh...nope...I have a post-nuptial (better than pre's) agreement and everything is in my name except her retirement accounts, which I have access to and manage anyway. We have no fiscal worries here and can keep focus on our relationship. I would never subject my assets to THAT kind of risk.
quote:
Originally posted by Euler
Let's get back to helping him know that financial problems are like any other. Financial problems melt under the sustained focus of human intent and followup.
This is MORE than a financial problem. She has not repented and is not fessin' up...his financial problem can very much get worse.
Also, my wife wants to know just how much pot you smoke to be so "ohhhh...it's okay honey..."
quote:
Originally posted by Flndwn
Let me just say, I still have much more to find out from my wife. She wouldn't answer my questions last Sunday when we had our argument.
ehehe..this is why we have whips and ropes.
You're stuck until all the cards are face-up. When you go to discuss this issue, don't argue. Start the conversation with, "Arguing accomplishes nothing...let's solve this so we can move on to better things. Always remember that whatever you say or do should only be for fixing the problem, because that's the issue here."
There is a reason for the deceit and do NOT assume what it is, like Euler over there, hehe. (Actually, I don't disagree with Euler's post--a rarity--I just don't think it encompasses enough.)
quote:
Originally posted by Flndwn
I still intend to find out where the money went.
Deny her access to it/ability to "send it" and you may find out.
quote:
Originally posted by Flndwn
No, I don't want to get a divorce; But if she doesn't start opening up and being truthful with me, that is something we might have to consider.
Plan for the best, but also plan for the worst.
"Expect me when you see me."
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Fri Oct 28, 2005 5:13 am |
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Christian_male
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Despite Rolo's other comments, he made the best comment yet. Take emotion out of it. You are in the mess and arguing and being anger is not working (she's not talking), so take the calm approach of 'OK we (notice the we part) have a problem and we need to fix it. In order to do that we both need to know what is going on." This will hopefully take the fear and defensivness out of her and help her open up. Find the book I mention and ask her to read it. She'll know she not alone in her mistakes.
Freedom without bounderies is not freedom at all, it is chaos.
[url]breakdebtsbonds.blogspot.com[/url]
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Fri Oct 28, 2005 1:44 pm |
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Rolo
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quote:
Originally posted by Christian_male
Despite Rolo's other comments, he made the best comment yet.
LOL! Well put!
Ima just misundastood.
Plug this in for context: In any relationship, be it husband/wife, boss/subordinate, G-d/man, there can be only ONE person ultimately responsible. You cannot have two persons vying for control. IT DOES NOT WORK.
Also, do not ADD words to what I have just said and do not infer wild imaginings; take it at face value.
All I am saying is that Flndwn (how the heck do you pronounce that anyway?) has to step up to the plate. Unfortunately, it is a common problem in our society today and I do not blame other societies for raising a stink about not wanting these problems in theirs.
"Expect me when you see me."
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Fri Oct 28, 2005 2:49 pm |
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Euler
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Rolo, man, you keep derailing the topic to talk about wusses and weed. Whatever that means. Kinda spooky.
They could really use an expert like you in the "Need advice about my manhood and marijuana" thread! LOL
MEANWHILE, back in reality, Flndwn, your relationship doesn't have to pass anyone's test here. You know that already.
I wish I could help better. I have been exactly were you are, and I came through it with a BETTER relationship with my wife and of course, our sustained effort made quick work of the debt problem. You aren't alone, in fact your position is an opportunity in disguise.
Stay patient. Keep a productive focus. I am curious about why your wife remains aloof. But I know it's none of my biz.
The ontopic things Rolo says and the advice Christian_male gives is good stuff.
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Fri Oct 28, 2005 5:42 pm |
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Rolo
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quote:
Originally posted by Euler
I am curious about why your wife remains aloof. But I know it's none of my biz.
Euler, you keep thinking that this is a money problem when it is not; the debt is a SYMPTOM of a relationship problem...which is our "biz" since Flndwn asked the question. Likewise, if I think I can share something that helps, then I am obligated to do so.
Another good example would be the "his" and "hers" income tax thread. (I wonder how that ever turned out?)
I don't know what you think I've said that was off-topic and, frankly, I am a bit tired of the pot-shots at me personally. Nobody seems to critisise WHAT I SAY BY POINT, only that I am a jerk, whatever. Ad hominem arguments mean you have nothing to argue.
A man's house is falling apart and I say he is ultimately responsible. If you call that "sexist" then so be it. But you cannot say it's not true.
F, don't get depressed, get to thinking and get to work; you control your situation (or you should be).
"Expect me when you see me."
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Sat Oct 29, 2005 12:18 am |
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khash_natt
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| Credit card companies |
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Another factor you might want to take in consideration is that the minimum intrest payment on all credit cards is going to double come jan.1  . So you might want to consider looking into that H.E.L.O.C
A
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Mon Oct 31, 2005 5:21 am |
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Euler
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quote:
I don't know what you think I've said that was off-topic and, frankly, I am a bit tired of the pot-shots at me personally. Nobody seems to critisise WHAT I SAY BY POINT, only that I am a jerk, whatever. Ad hominem arguments mean you have nothing to argue.
Let me clear this up for you, and then I'll shut up about it because it's derailing a thread that wasn't supposed to be about Rolo.
quote:
Also, my wife wants to know just how much pot you smoke to be so "ohhhh...it's okay honey..."
YOU, Rolo, are the one making assumptions here.
quote:
You sound like a wuss.
YOU, Rolo, are the one taking "potshots" at people, personally. And it really interferes with whatever other good sense you are trying to impart.
Because if you are being sincere and your message really is what you claim:
quote:
... if you listen to nothing else in this thread, listen to this: TAKE. EMOTION. OUT OF IT.
...then why the need to lash out at people?
You say that's your advice, (and it's good, I agree!) but then you go calling the man a wuss and saying he ain't a man and telling him that his "house is falling apart". It's pure, self serving, confused nonsense.
The FACT is that his problem (the one he brought us here) is purely financial. This is MONEY TALK after all. Not ROLO'S ADVICE ON MASCULINITY ISSUES or ROLO'S POT DISCUSSIONS. It's MONEY TALK. Getitgotitgood.
So stop with the crocodile tears, stop taking opportunities to insult people and if you can't offer helpful financial advice, my good buddy, STFU.
If you want to pursue this, take it to PMs. Otherwise, I'm done with it.
Flndwn, my sincere apologies. I hope the weekend was productive for you.
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Mon Oct 31, 2005 6:52 pm |
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Rolo
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quote:
Originally posted by Euler
Flndwn, my sincere apologies. I hope the weekend was productive for you.
How arrogant of you to 1. apologise on my behalf, and 2. speak down to Flndwn as if he couldn't speak to me directly. FYI, Flndwn and I are having a productive discussion in e-mail. Everyone is not all emotional as you appear to be.
quote:
Originally posted by Euler
quote:
Also, my wife wants to know just how much pot you smoke to be so "ohhhh...it's okay honey..."
YOU, Rolo, are the one making assumptions here.
What part of "my wife wants to know..." did you not understand?
quote:
Originally posted by Euler
quote:
You sound like a wuss.
YOU, Rolo, are the one taking "potshots" at people, personally. And it really interferes with whatever other good sense you are trying to impart.
That wasn't a potshot; he really did sound like a wuss. We sometimes turn into wusses in various situations and really don't know it until someone points it out to us. Then it's "Oh! Shit Howde, yer right!" and the light-bulb flicks on.
You agree that emotion needs to be thwarted; how better to do it than to exacerbate it, expose it, then cast it down? (I forget the psychological therapeudic method that is called)
There is a difference: my "insults" are for an objective purpose, not there for it's own sake. Is it self-defeating? Yes and no. It is a good test to see how much one really wants to change and I can forgo wasting my time.
quote:
Originally posted by Euler
then you go calling the man a wuss
I did not call him a wuss; I said he sounded like one. Yes, there is a difference. Whether he is or is not, I do not know. Precision is important.
quote:
Originally posted by Euler
he ain't a man and telling him that his "house is falling apart". It's pure, self serving, confused nonsense.
You don't think that the integrity of his household is comprimised?
How the hell would this be self-serving to me? And you accuse me of taking pot-shots? You use your sense of high-morals to condemn what you perceive as an injustice and try to play some sort of defending hero. I do remember this psychological term: Classic Freudian Projection.
"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
— Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil
quote:
Originally posted by Euler
The FACT is that his problem (the one he brought us here) is purely financial.
Wrong.
quote:
Originally posted by Euler
This is MONEY TALK after all. Not ROLO'S ADVICE ON MASCULINITY ISSUES or ROLO'S POT DISCUSSIONS. It's MONEY TALK. Getitgotitgood.
And you are a fool if you think that emotional issues are not part of money issues.
For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.
-- 1 Timothy 6:10
The LOVE of money (which people frequently misquote)...sounds like an emotional problem, not a money problem. Money is an inanimate object; it cannot do anything, let alone create problems.
Precision is important.
quote:
Originally posted by Euler
if you can't offer helpful financial advice, my good buddy, STFU.
I intend, and have, been helping Flndwn through to completion so long as he's interested. I am obligated to do so.
BTW, I think he can friggin' speak for himself, Mister Crusader.
quote:
Originally posted by Euler
If you want to pursue this, take it to PMs.
No, I don't. There is nothing to be gained and I think you are Euseless.
quote:
Originally posted by Euler
Otherwise, I'm done with it.
Empty promises... 
"Expect me when you see me."
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Tue Nov 01, 2005 12:11 am |
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