| Don't Marry Until You Can Discuss Money! |
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helgah
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| Don't Marry Until You Can Discuss Money! |
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Your wedding is in six weeks. You've tried to talk about money with your fiancée for the last few months and he continues to find a way to shut down the conversation. You're especially panicky because last night you had this conversation:
You: "Honey, our wedding is in six weeks and I'm feeling very uncomfortable because we've never really talked about money and how we'll handle it after we're married."
Your fiancée: "We did talk about it, sweetheart. Lots of times. Aren't I paying for most the wedding expenses? And didn't we agree we'd take care of the details after we get back from our honeymoon."
You: "Yes, but money is such an important part of marriage and I think we should clarify some things before we marry."
Your fiancée" Why? I love you; you love me. I'm starting to feel you don't trust me."
Big red flag here! Talking about money won't get any easier after you're married.
Consider this - The financial part of your marriage isn't about trust. It's about equal participation and financial transparency for both of you.
You have to be financially intimate because once you say "I Do", you become one-half of a legal and financial partnership. Whatever your husband is doing financially, you're doing it too. Your fiancée should honor your need and desire to discuss money before the wedding. He should be welcoming your interest and desire to participate, especially if he believes you are an equal partner.
Many women have asked me about the line between holding back financial information and abusive behavior by a spouse. Both result in a lack of financial information. Withholding financial information from a wife who asks about it is disrespectful and demeaning.
If you choose not to ask, that may not be smart, but it's your choice. If you ask, but your husband won't tell you, that is a form of emotional abuse. You may have access to marital funds, reasonable mobility and buying choices. You may be frustrated by your husband's behavior and attitude, but unlike financial abuse, you won't be consumed by fear and financial restriction.
Financial abuse takes withholding behavior one step further. It's designed to isolate you into a state of complete financial dependence. The abuser is not out of control. He knows what he's doing. Other people may find him charming and sensitive and he can adapt his behavior to the social setting.
But his objective is to isolate you and make you totally dependent on him financially. The way he does that is to cut you off from all access to funds and information unless he provides it to you.
Financial abuse can often lead to physical abuse as well. It happens within all age ranges, educational levels, ethnic backgrounds and financial levels. The rich socialite who lives in the largest house in the best neighborhood is as likely to be a victim of financial abuse as the poorest wife in the toughest section of town.
When you're intelligent enough to sense a red flag before your wedding because you want to talk about money before marriage, you are acting responsibly. But your fiancée is already showing you that money is not an easy subject for him.
Ask yourself if there are any other things you can't discuss comfortably before marriage. Whatever those things are, count on the fact that they'll be bones of contention after you're married. And you won't have nearly the flexibility you have before the wedding.
Be honest with yourself . You may be marrying the wrong person. Going into marriage with red flags is like skiing downhill blindfolded. You wouldn't do that either, would you?
(c) 2008, Helga Hayse Reprints welcomed so long as the article and byline are kept intact and all links are made live.
Helga Hayes is the author of “Don’t Worry About a Thing, Dear” – Why Women Need Financial Intimacy and a frequent blogger on financial subjects. Talk to me before you talk to your lawyer.
http://www.financialintimacy.com
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Wed Jun 17, 2009 8:02 pm |
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Cherryl Hanson-Simpson
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| Re: Don't Marry Until You Can Discuss Money! |
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Should one wait on marriage to discuss financial matters with their spouse. After a couple make a commitment then financial goals should be set and begin working on. Under no circumstances should partners be against discussing financial matters because then they will be building an unstable relationship. I wouldn't advice that they should wait until marriage but should as soon as the relationship takes on a serious mode.
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Tue Jun 23, 2009 7:11 pm |
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littleroc02us
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Waiting until marraige to discusses finances is a very bad decision. You should be having this discussion as part of the dating process where you find out how your significant other has handled money and how they plan to managed the checkbook. If they are unable to do this, than I wouldn't suggest marrying them.
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Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:05 pm |
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LottomagicZ4941
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quote:
Originally posted by littleroc02us
Waiting until marraige to discusses finances is a very bad decision. You should be having this discussion as part of the dating process where you find out how your significant other has handled money and how they plan to managed the checkbook. If they are unable to do this, than I wouldn't suggest marrying them.
The wife and I probably should have discussed $$$ more before marriage.
I had a good paying job back then so $$$ wasn't ever much of an issue.
She also had a good job and I was permitted to traid in a good paying high stress job for a low paying job I enjoyed.
That was cool till she got laid off and we lost health insurance. Now she claims I'm unemployed cuz I don't have bennies.
I love my wife but who would expect that we would owe 20K more on a house then what she paid?
I never asked how much equity she had. Sometimes these questions get in the way of love. Or is it that love blinds us?
Love is part of why guys get manipulated into 30 year mortages. We don't have the heart to tell gals if we can't get it in a 15 year mortage we can't really afford it.
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Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:00 am |
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oswaloman
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As far as I am concern I would like to discuss not only money but everything with my partner. Since healthy relation is depend on the clear understanding of one another.
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Sun Jun 28, 2009 1:01 pm |
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littleroc02us
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The wife and I probably should have discussed $$$ more before marriage.
I had a good paying job back then so $$$ wasn't ever much of an issue.
She also had a good job and I was permitted to traid in a good paying high stress job for a low paying job I enjoyed.
That was cool till she got laid off and we lost health insurance. Now she claims I'm unemployed cuz I don't have bennies.
I love my wife but who would expect that we would owe 20K more on a house then what she paid?
I never asked how much equity she had. Sometimes these questions get in the way of love. Or is it that love blinds us?
Love is part of why guys get manipulated into 30 year mortages. We don't have the heart to tell gals if we can't get it in a 15 year mortage we can't really afford it.[/quote]
I can totally understand the love is blind part. No one is perfect. Hine sight is 20/20
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Wed Jul 08, 2009 8:42 pm |
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manuelgarcia
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Are you talking about love? Because I think this post is thinking more on money than in love. Money isn´t everything.
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Tue Jul 21, 2009 2:43 pm |
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GotMoney
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| Re: Don't Marry Until You Can Discuss Money! |
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quote:
Originally posted by helgah
You: "Honey, our wedding is in six weeks and I'm feeling very uncomfortable because we've never really talked about money and how we'll handle it after we're married."
Your fiancée: "We did talk about it, sweetheart. Lots of times. Aren't I paying for most the wedding expenses? And didn't we agree we'd take care of the details after we get back from our honeymoon."
You: "Yes, but money is such an important part of marriage and I think we should clarify some things before we marry."
Your fiancée" Why? I love you; you love me. I'm starting to feel you don't trust me."
.
This definatly would be a contributing factor to the
+50% divorce rate
But I know it happen's, got some close friends in similar
positions, both side's.
But those all stemmed from lack of communication ( OR )
False communication....
Open Honesty entering a long term relationship is best
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Thu Jul 23, 2009 11:04 pm |
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avont78
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Interesting post!!! got me a bit worried as i'm only recently married and didn't really talk about money issues with my girlfriend (now wife)...
Gals expect guys to change after marriage but they remain the same...guys expect gals to remain the same after marriage but they change!!
So a constant honest communication is really important!!
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Fri Jul 24, 2009 3:46 pm |
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littleroc02us
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Basically it's a good idea for couples while they are dating to gain knowledge about each others financial history, how much debt they have and what their moral and ethical view is on how to handle finances. Imagine marrying someone and then finding out that they are frivilous spenders who live paycheck to paycheck because they spend above their means and refuse to change. Make sure you know what goals you have and how they will work together.
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Fri Jul 24, 2009 8:11 pm |
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coaster
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quote:
Originally posted by avont78
Gals expect guys to change after marriage but they remain the same...guys expect gals to remain the same after marriage but they change!!
 How funny!! and how true......such wisdom and only recently married. 
~Tim~
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Fri Jul 24, 2009 11:27 pm |
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avont78
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haha!! hmmm...on second thoughts, maybe it is wise not to get married after all  ooppss!!
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Mon Jul 27, 2009 3:07 am |
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krisberggren
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in our country, its a man's responsibility to take care of the financial needs of the woman after you marry her.
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Mon Jul 27, 2009 3:08 pm |
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Optimist5
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Actually, in the article I read about what couples argue about, money was number 1 reason. Too much arguing will contribute to unhappy marriage and will likely lead to divorce.
Love is blind and this is probably what makes people not to pay attention to otherwise unacceptable behavior from the partner. Love also changes with time and this is when "blindness" disappears and conflict starts.
Conclusion: love is very powerful and like everything powerful should be treated with caution.
Arthur,
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Sat Aug 01, 2009 1:12 pm |
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